He Fared a Lot Better in Life – Osombie (2012)

Go ahead and stare at the above picture for as long as you want, because if you watch the movie, you’ll only see that face for approximately thirty seconds throughout an hour-and-a-half affair called Osombie. I dare say, that is some mighty bullshit; with four sightings of the titular character, one of them is inside a dream sequence. I don’t count that. The other two only show him for about five seconds each, and *spoiler* the last one shows him awkwardly shambling around before he gets rocket-launched in the face. He doesn’t even eat anyone on-screen. Gypped.

From what I can make of the ham-fisted plot, after 9/11, Bush gave chemical weapons to any nation willing to back the U.S. in its War on Terror™. As with most of the things he does, the plan backfires when an unnamed country decides to screw with the composition of the weapon and creates a new, crazy chemical that turns those who come in contact with it into zombies. Then, somehow, the Taliban/Al-Qaida (they don’t really make a distinction between the two) get a hold of it and concoct a brilliantly stupid plan: to turn Afghan civilians into zombie suicide bombers and also a backup horde against their enemies in case the first wave of bombers fail.

Since Osombie himself is basically nowhere to be found, we’re left with the acting brilliance of the Army Ranger group tasked with, um, running around Afghanistan, I guess. I don’t really remember what they’re supposed to be doing there, but that’s the kind of shit I have to put up with when the movie decides to throw its entire plot at me in a two-minute scene. Among the many fantastic cringe-worthy pieces of dialogue, there are some stand-outs, such as this:

Here’s a gem: “Anyone who stumbles onto this road is gonna get a butt-full of hello.” #Osombie

— George Bell (@CallMeSirPhobos) June 22, 2013

I’m not necessarily against the idea of a zombie movie focusing more on its human characters over the undead (my WWZ review will be up this week), but if that’s the route they want to go, the characters had better be worth-while. But this is a movie called Osombie, so…you get what you get. What that translates into is a bunch of cliched morons in military garb using military gab, all the while competing against one another to see who can make me wish the zombies would eat them first. As it happens, one of them does get bitten, which is so sad and unfortunate because the only woman in the Rangers group wanted to have his babies. I know, I know; if you breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose, you won’t cry as much from the news.

She lost her one true love, so now she mourns by practicing her sword kata http://t.co/GSpCt09D0d #Osombie

— George Bell (@CallMeSirPhobos) June 22, 2013

Yes, she uses a samurai sword. No, she doesn’t look like she knows what she’s doing. Maybe that’s part of her charm; no man in his right mind could resist the feminine wiles of a chick flailing around with a plastic sword.

Then there’s the eventual love interest of the only other (non-military) female in the group. She’s in Afghanistan looking for her asshat brother who went there on his own to personally kill Osama bin Laden. You know the type. If you’re not sure, however, here’s a refresher on what those kinds of guys are really like:

The guy in Osombie isn’t like that, though. First of all, he’s only right by accident, which isn’t exactly praising his lunatic conspiracy theories, but I still hate this character with all that is in my soul. He comes off as a genuine, nice, humble guy who just happens to also not believe all the bullshit the media feeds him. He’s so nice, in fact, that the movie sees fit to show him befriending a ten-year-old Afghan kid until he can dutifully reunite him with his parents. Call me crazy, but I don’t think the kind of nutjob who wants to go to Afghanistan armed with a sword and a .22 is going to give a shit about some kid he found outside a cave. In fact, I’m pretty sure he would rather shoot first and reunite families later.

The writers of Osombie appear to have some kind of political message, but they’re just not talented enough to make it clear to the audience. Case-in-point, when Asshat McGee (I’ll refer to the bin Laden hunter as that from now on) first hooks up with the Rangers, he spouts off a bunch of half-ideas, one of which is something about a $650 million bailout that didn’t do a bit of good. Asshat McGee has a lot of thoughts on that, but it takes too much energy to expel them, so he just shakes his head and tells everyone else to ask him if they’re curious. Riiiiight. Sort of like how it takes too much energy for the writers to come up with believable dialogue, I’d imagine. That reminds me; if you’re wondering which character uttered the “butt-full of hello” quote I referenced above, yea…it’s this douche.

As I said, Asshat McGee’s sister is also in Afghanistan looking for him, and she comes across the Rangers pretty early on. Of course, she also needs a love interest, so who better than the Ranger who consistently feels the need to run around live battlefields shirtless while doing his best “I’m stern and thoughtful” look?

We owe all of our shirtless Army Rangers a debt of gratitude http://t.co/8j4kFNj3qs and maybe some butter to smear on those pecs #Osombie

— George Bell (@CallMeSirPhobos) June 22, 2013

The ending is particularly hilarious, because after Asshat McGee uses a rocket launcher to relocate bin Laden’s face, he just shows up limping behind the Rangers as they’re walking back to wherever they came from. He was just in a tiny room inside a cave that got blasted to hell. Then, an air strike was called in just to be sure. That’s some thick skin right there, which I suppose goes well with his thick head.

Overall, Osombie is definitely not worth anyone’s time. I was able to watch it while I was at work, so I feel a little better about how I chose to spend my time. It’s not like I was doing anything more interesting. If you love yourself, I wouldn’t bother with this one. On the other hand, if you have some penance saved up for a rainy day, this is a golden opportunity to watch Osombie as a way of repenting for whatever bad things you’ve done in your life.